We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
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Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
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Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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