You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
