I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
