It's a beautiful day for a hangover
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
