My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
