Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Randomize
