Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
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