i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He did a backflip because drugs
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
