Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
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then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
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We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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