the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Randomize
