im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
porn star boner night. come get it.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
