its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
