Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
