what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
