Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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