Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
