dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
