Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
