BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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