i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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