I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
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