My friends, they love my intelligence
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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