Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
