He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
