It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
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I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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