Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
