he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
