My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
