Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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