she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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