I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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