Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
