Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
