I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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