Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
