This is not my ceiling
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
