I accidentally burped into my bong.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I just blew my weed a kiss
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
