two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
