im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
