just come out here and I will go home with you...
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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