Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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