Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
