Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"