Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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