that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
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