She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
