I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
