I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
