I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
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there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
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All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
we're so committed to being not committed
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do