i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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