So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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