Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Randomize
