I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
